Wow, I haven't written in a while. I promised myself I would write but more importantly I promised my therapist. But how can I write when I have nothing to say...hmm does me saying my therapist told me to write break the confidentiality thing. I doubt it.
Uhm...lets see...found out some news that could be very bad, but everything is still in the air. Yesterday my parents landlord came over to our house and said that both his son and daughter-in-law are out of jobs and they have 2 kids...so he's giving our house (which he still owns) to them. And since my parents haven't really signed a lease since we first moved in, some 7 years ago, we can't really fight it. So he wants us out by April 1st...we have 4 pets...do you know how hard it is to find a rental place that allows 4 pets. Well then he calls again last night and tells my parents that his son and daughter-in-law may be moving to her home country of Prague so if thats the case then we get to stay. My mom was pretty torn up about it and yeah its sad but hey I have a lot of other shit on my mind to get all crazy emotional about this. When the time comes I'll let the proper emotions let themselves out.
I think it'll be way harder if for some reason we can't find a place that lets us keep all the pets and I have to get rid of Mouse, that will kill me. She's like my child. This sounds so stupid but in Lakewood I have like 2 friends, and my cat. So she's like my best friend. God I'm so pathetic, I need a life.
I've been really down lately about myself. Basically I feel like because I can't find a job I'm kind of failing myself. Like I graduated from college for gods sake and I can't even find a job in retail. This is bullshit. And I want to just move to L.A. and say FUCK IT and give acting a try professionally. But the problem is I can't really move without money.
And another thing that's been on my mind a lot is I want a guy. Not really a boyfriend, I miss having someone to cuddle with, I fucking LOVE cuddling. But I can't really cuddle in my parents house. And how does one MEET people outside of college. Especially when I'm not really a bar hopper or anything.
Today was kind of fun. Art's cousins Kenny and Dell both came over to help Art move in the new fridge (why get a new fridge if we may be moving out in a month, WHO KNOWS) anyways when these three get together its worse than my family. These guys literally just try and out scream each other. They've been here since 10 am...nearly 12 hours. It's been loud. They also partake in...some...recreational drugs. Which makes things a little louder. I went down in the basement and played pool with Kenny. I suck at pool. So he was trying to coach me while we were competing but I did beat him twice in a row. GO ME!
Anyways this is the most random sporadic post ever but WHATEVER.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Quizzy Thing Stolen From Jessica
I saw that Jessica posted this little survey thing and I haven't been updating lately because I have nothing to say so I figured filling out this survey could be fun! YAY!
1. High heels or boots? Boots, I fail at heels.
2. What time did you get up this morning? 10:40....but I didn't fall asleep till like 3 am :(
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Shutter Island with Leonardo Dicaprio my one and only.
4. What is your maiden name? Aull
5. What is your favorite TV show? Sex and the City...hands down best tv show EVER
6. What did you have for breakfast? I don't usually eat breakfast cuz my stomach HATES it.
7. What is your middle name? Nicole
8. What food do you dislike? Salad...its just wrong.
9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Lady Antebellum - Need You Now...soooo good.
10.What characteristic do you despise? hm...cockiness.
11.Favorite Clothing? My style has been changing lately. I enjoy flowy tops.
12.Any where in the world on vacation? I really want to go somewhere warm. maybe AUSTRALIA
13.Are you an organized person? Not at all. I like to organize things though, like other people's stuff when it isn't organized. But my own stuff is a mess.
14.Where would you retire too? Somewhere far far away. Maybe the MOON
15.What was your most recent memorable birthday? Hmmm, my most recent was 22 and I went and got a drink with Theresa then hung out with Sean, Kim and Kendra.
16.What are you going to do when you finish this? Maybe read a little
17.Furthest place you are sending this? I'm not really sending it to anyone since its in my blog.
18.Person you expect to send it back first? I will go with N/A
19.When is your birthday? October 6th
20.Are you a morning person or a night person? A night person FOR SURE.
21.What is your shoe size? 8-8.5
22.Do you own any animals? Lets see...two WEINER DOGS...Zeus and Calypso...2 cats...Misty and Mouse
23.Any news you'd like to share? Well the job I thought I was gonna get...turns out it was a scam and they expect me to sell coupon books door to door...yeah no thanks.
24.When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? A princess...I'm still working towards that.
25.What is your favorite flower? Orchid or Lily....its a toss up.
26.What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Hmm, I'm not looking to any day on the calendar really.
27.If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Purple
28.What is under your bed? A vitamin water bottle, a shoe, and my wii fit balance board.
29.How is the weather right now? SNOWY! AH I HATE IT!
30.Last person you spoke to on the phone? The guy who was going to give me the second interview. Shaun Keusch is his name. Scamming people is his game.
31.Favorite drink? Sweet Iced Tea
32.Favorite restaurant? Chili's...only because their Cajun Chicken Pasta is to DIE for.
33.Hair color? Plain ol BROWN...natural color is kind of a dirty blonde, really ugly.
34.What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbies, I had an army of barbies.
35.Spring Summer, Fall or Winter? Spring
36.Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate.
37.Coffee or tea? Tea
38.Wish you were still young? I still am pretty young, but sometimes I wish I was a kid again.
39.Do you want your friends to email you back? Its not really an email.
40.When was the last time you cried? In therapy last week I think.
41.What did you do last night? Read my book, played video games...thats about it.
42.Did someone not like this question? WHAT?!
43.What are you afraid of? Bears...scariest creatures in the whole wide world.
44.Salty or sweet? Depends on my mood, I like both.
45.Best quality you have? My eyes are pretty.
46.How many years at your current job? I don't have a current job. How depressing.
47.Favorite day of the week? Saturday
48.How many people will you send this to? How many times do I have to tell you ITS A BLOG!
49.How many will respond? However many want to!
50.Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends? Sure you betcha
1. High heels or boots? Boots, I fail at heels.
2. What time did you get up this morning? 10:40....but I didn't fall asleep till like 3 am :(
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Shutter Island with Leonardo Dicaprio my one and only.
4. What is your maiden name? Aull
5. What is your favorite TV show? Sex and the City...hands down best tv show EVER
6. What did you have for breakfast? I don't usually eat breakfast cuz my stomach HATES it.
7. What is your middle name? Nicole
8. What food do you dislike? Salad...its just wrong.
9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Lady Antebellum - Need You Now...soooo good.
10.What characteristic do you despise? hm...cockiness.
11.Favorite Clothing? My style has been changing lately. I enjoy flowy tops.
12.Any where in the world on vacation? I really want to go somewhere warm. maybe AUSTRALIA
13.Are you an organized person? Not at all. I like to organize things though, like other people's stuff when it isn't organized. But my own stuff is a mess.
14.Where would you retire too? Somewhere far far away. Maybe the MOON
15.What was your most recent memorable birthday? Hmmm, my most recent was 22 and I went and got a drink with Theresa then hung out with Sean, Kim and Kendra.
16.What are you going to do when you finish this? Maybe read a little
17.Furthest place you are sending this? I'm not really sending it to anyone since its in my blog.
18.Person you expect to send it back first? I will go with N/A
19.When is your birthday? October 6th
20.Are you a morning person or a night person? A night person FOR SURE.
21.What is your shoe size? 8-8.5
22.Do you own any animals? Lets see...two WEINER DOGS...Zeus and Calypso...2 cats...Misty and Mouse
23.Any news you'd like to share? Well the job I thought I was gonna get...turns out it was a scam and they expect me to sell coupon books door to door...yeah no thanks.
24.When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? A princess...I'm still working towards that.
25.What is your favorite flower? Orchid or Lily....its a toss up.
26.What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Hmm, I'm not looking to any day on the calendar really.
27.If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Purple
28.What is under your bed? A vitamin water bottle, a shoe, and my wii fit balance board.
29.How is the weather right now? SNOWY! AH I HATE IT!
30.Last person you spoke to on the phone? The guy who was going to give me the second interview. Shaun Keusch is his name. Scamming people is his game.
31.Favorite drink? Sweet Iced Tea
32.Favorite restaurant? Chili's...only because their Cajun Chicken Pasta is to DIE for.
33.Hair color? Plain ol BROWN...natural color is kind of a dirty blonde, really ugly.
34.What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbies, I had an army of barbies.
35.Spring Summer, Fall or Winter? Spring
36.Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate.
37.Coffee or tea? Tea
38.Wish you were still young? I still am pretty young, but sometimes I wish I was a kid again.
39.Do you want your friends to email you back? Its not really an email.
40.When was the last time you cried? In therapy last week I think.
41.What did you do last night? Read my book, played video games...thats about it.
42.Did someone not like this question? WHAT?!
43.What are you afraid of? Bears...scariest creatures in the whole wide world.
44.Salty or sweet? Depends on my mood, I like both.
45.Best quality you have? My eyes are pretty.
46.How many years at your current job? I don't have a current job. How depressing.
47.Favorite day of the week? Saturday
48.How many people will you send this to? How many times do I have to tell you ITS A BLOG!
49.How many will respond? However many want to!
50.Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends? Sure you betcha
Monday, February 15, 2010
Depressssinnngggg
Haha so much for posting everyday right! I'm lazy and stupid like that. But to be fair for 2 of those days I was hunched over my toilet heaving my guts out, or over the trash can or laying in bed just crying. I hate throwing up. I would literally rather lie around and be nauseous for the rest of my life than throw up. So yes I'm back and healthy, although still a little dehydrated so I'm getting rather shaky easily.
Some issues right now that weigh heavily on my mind all the time that I think I need to introduce to my blog so that when they come up in future blogs its not all CRAZY dramatic. One thing is that I am going through some intensive therapy for my "daddy issues" as I like to call them. For those of you who don't know (and by 'for those of you who don't know' I mean you mr. text editor box) my dad passed away when I was 13. It was a hard time in my life despite the fact that we never really got along all that well, family is family. Anyways since that time in my life I've been know be extremely self-deprecating and just generally down on myself ALL the time. So I'm in therapy and so far I really like my therapist so I'm excited to see if this can work out. The problem is I can't trust men, because I never trusted the first man in my life, and when I do trust men they take that trust and throw it back in my face. I don't deal with that kind of rejection because to me its more than just being rejected...its abandonment to me. I never really understood why I reacted to this so strongly until I started reading this book 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' which is making me realize that there are other people out there who feel these exact same things.
Random picture of me and my dad :)
Anyways that brings me to my second issue that I'm dealing with (big issue, I have a lot of little issue) I am having extreme issues getting over my ex...and we only dated a month...to me thats pathetic. He's still my best friend, I should still be grateful he's in my life but I just can't. And he's the one guy who hasn't thrown my trust back in my face.
Sooooo yeah. Thats what I'm dealing with as of late and I'm hoping things will get better, soon. Cuz I'm tired of being down. I'm going on medication in march for my depression and anxiety so that'll be a welcome change! Anyways next time I'll write about something HAPPY! Maybe...if you're lucky.
Some issues right now that weigh heavily on my mind all the time that I think I need to introduce to my blog so that when they come up in future blogs its not all CRAZY dramatic. One thing is that I am going through some intensive therapy for my "daddy issues" as I like to call them. For those of you who don't know (and by 'for those of you who don't know' I mean you mr. text editor box) my dad passed away when I was 13. It was a hard time in my life despite the fact that we never really got along all that well, family is family. Anyways since that time in my life I've been know be extremely self-deprecating and just generally down on myself ALL the time. So I'm in therapy and so far I really like my therapist so I'm excited to see if this can work out. The problem is I can't trust men, because I never trusted the first man in my life, and when I do trust men they take that trust and throw it back in my face. I don't deal with that kind of rejection because to me its more than just being rejected...its abandonment to me. I never really understood why I reacted to this so strongly until I started reading this book 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' which is making me realize that there are other people out there who feel these exact same things.
Random picture of me and my dad :)
Anyways that brings me to my second issue that I'm dealing with (big issue, I have a lot of little issue) I am having extreme issues getting over my ex...and we only dated a month...to me thats pathetic. He's still my best friend, I should still be grateful he's in my life but I just can't. And he's the one guy who hasn't thrown my trust back in my face.
Sooooo yeah. Thats what I'm dealing with as of late and I'm hoping things will get better, soon. Cuz I'm tired of being down. I'm going on medication in march for my depression and anxiety so that'll be a welcome change! Anyways next time I'll write about something HAPPY! Maybe...if you're lucky.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Okay LETS DO THIS
So my therapist said she thinks it would be good if I tried to journal somehow everyday to keep my mind relaxed and not let my emotions build up, so I'm going to do just that. Lets face it, I hate writing, it hurts my hand but while I'm wasting time on the computer I might as well type right!
Not really sure I have much of anything to say today but I did have therapy early this morning and she asked me to read a book about Children of Alcoholics, and I couldn't find it anywhere but I did find a similar book and I must say that I feel that this book and the things it says about children of alcoholics is really eye-opening.
The one thing that I'm not quite to yet but I'm interested to read is more about the statement "Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy." I do this. I do this A LOT. I can't go a day without judging myself in some way and even when people tell me I'm judging myself wrongly I think "well you don't know anything about me so how could you possibly know" its a hard thing to deal with to say the least.
I also think I'll use this blog to kind of document my day, and as boring as that is I'm not writing this for anyone but myself. Thats what I need to realize in order to get better, I need to be okay with myself before I can be okay with other people.
Anyways...what did I do today? I went to therapy at 8:30 am which is RIDICULOUSLY early for me. But thats the point, gotta get out of my depression so I gotta start getting out of bed. After therapy I went to the library to look for the book but couldn't find it so I got the Adult Children of Alcoholics book and Benjamin Button on dvd lol. Then I met my parents for breakfast/early lunch at village in. After that my mom went with me to the used bookstore then to Barnes and Noble, Jamba Juice and Target. I bought Shutter Island at B&N....why did anyone tell me this was a book?! So now I must finish it before the movie because thats what I DO! At target I got some socks and bermuda shorts, sweat pant style. So comfy.
When I got home, I took a nap. Then I ate some food and read for a while.
This is insanely boring but frankly my dear I don't give a damn.
Not really sure I have much of anything to say today but I did have therapy early this morning and she asked me to read a book about Children of Alcoholics, and I couldn't find it anywhere but I did find a similar book and I must say that I feel that this book and the things it says about children of alcoholics is really eye-opening.
The one thing that I'm not quite to yet but I'm interested to read is more about the statement "Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy." I do this. I do this A LOT. I can't go a day without judging myself in some way and even when people tell me I'm judging myself wrongly I think "well you don't know anything about me so how could you possibly know" its a hard thing to deal with to say the least.
I also think I'll use this blog to kind of document my day, and as boring as that is I'm not writing this for anyone but myself. Thats what I need to realize in order to get better, I need to be okay with myself before I can be okay with other people.
Anyways...what did I do today? I went to therapy at 8:30 am which is RIDICULOUSLY early for me. But thats the point, gotta get out of my depression so I gotta start getting out of bed. After therapy I went to the library to look for the book but couldn't find it so I got the Adult Children of Alcoholics book and Benjamin Button on dvd lol. Then I met my parents for breakfast/early lunch at village in. After that my mom went with me to the used bookstore then to Barnes and Noble, Jamba Juice and Target. I bought Shutter Island at B&N....why did anyone tell me this was a book?! So now I must finish it before the movie because thats what I DO! At target I got some socks and bermuda shorts, sweat pant style. So comfy.
When I got home, I took a nap. Then I ate some food and read for a while.
This is insanely boring but frankly my dear I don't give a damn.
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