Yikes-a-roo

Haven't blogged in a while. You know I don't even really consider it blogging cuz 'blogging' is usually fun to read and let's face it, I'm not fun to read.

Hmm...let's see...what can I talk about? See this is what I do, I go into writing without having anything planned. It's called improv. Roll with the punches.

Well I got a job, a job that is dead end but hey I'm gonna be grateful because (a) they hired me and (b) the owner is willing to give me time off to interview at others places and for therapy and auditions. So that's pretty awesome. It's just a part-time job cashiering at a car wash. Good people which I think makes a cashiering job that much easier to handle.

So I've been pretty much going to work, coming home, eating, showering and sleeping. But I have tomorrow off so I have time to sit here and write a bit and then watch a movie or something....and talk to my cousin on facebook.

It's so weird to hear her talk about her two kids, and how she goes to parent-teacher conferences as a parent. Weird because she's only 4 years older than me. And she has a 4 year old. Which means she had her first child at my age. I'm not saying this is a bad thing because I think she's an incredible mother and person for being able to handle a child at my age. Some people can do that. But it makes me think what if I was in that position. Having a kid? I'm not sure I could handle that. I'm not sure I would want to handle that more like. I guess I've always thought, if I did get pregnant I would be able to raise a child...even though I don't really want to...yet.

I think I had a dream about having kids last night because I have been thinking about that all day. Like what if I was just a completely different person that had a kid at 22.

Rambling is funnnn...I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. Like who am I as a person....what has made me what I am today? And although I hated growing up with an alcoholic father and I hate that he let a substance kill him...I wouldn't change my past for anything...because without all of that happening I wouldn't be who I am today, I wouldn't know the people I know.

I've also been pre-occupied with the image I'm giving to others. Because the image I see myself giving isn't the one I'm getting reactions to. I know that makes probably no sense. But basically, people talk to me about things and assume I'm this person that I don't see myself as being.

I think I need to stop worrying about what others want from me and try and figure out what I want from me. How I want to run my life, the kind of person I want to be...the kind of person I need to be.

It's a process but hopefully I'm taking steps in the right direction.



Ooooookay that was a blog ALL over the place. Tomorrow I'm gonna try and find some sort of little get-to-know-you survey I can put in here. It'll be a blast and a half.

Peace out girl scout.